Posts Tagged ‘baby’

Breeders are wee

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

Money

We are walking dollar signs as parents, is all it comes down too.

Other than selling yourself to an institution for the rest of your life you can join forces with the growing trickles of people that are getting sick of being targeted by bully ’suits’.

One way, is making your own diapers, which I have come to do.

If you hear screaming when looking at needles maybe this is not for you, and you can pay me to do it.  I will drop 6 or 7 in the mail for an agreed upon price.

This concept emerged from my brain after going through a larva like cycle  with a major bulk store, I won’t name, I’ll call it STuper store. At $40 a pop  I began to day dream of my daughter using the toilet which is a year away. And lo! I need not lick the bottom of my bag for a spare diaper coinage-I CAN MAKE THEM!     Just like in the 50’s only less smelly; plus I rights and choices.(as far as I know)

All that is needed for the metamorphosis from plastic to cloth is towels and water proof materials. And of course thread and a couple other things…

In any case if you want a PDF of my idea let me know and I will send you one of if enough people ask I will just make a video file of me making them and link it from Utube to here and back again.

Which  I believe I will anyway because I am so exited about saving around $400 in diapers. I am sure any parent could use the extra cash. All you need is around 10 minutes a day to wash all your cloth diapers and then hand to dry.

I know you by now have a strong stomach. If not I will draw upon my protesting days for you and let you know a vinegar soaked rag will filter tear gas. So if that helps with the concept. Let me know don’t be shy.

At this point do I really need a disclaimer for my antics and crass humor on this site? Why read it if you don’t like it? Really if you are easily offended and immature go away.

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Some moms lie!, for money

Monday, January 18th, 2010

And waste a week of my time argg!!!!

I bought the Graco ‘imonitor vibe’ this week. Tax included it was $100.00. No tissue’s included for the nose bleed.

What made it stand out was the 2000 feet range. “Wow!” I thought, “I can go to the storage room/car/gym without packing for a pilgrimage.”

On the package is a peaceful pink and rosy child having beautiful dreams. Across her head it in capitals screams DIGITAL. It must me the one for me.

When I get it home after a day of charging both appliances monitor and walking parental unit, I couldn’t make it down the hallway of my apartment building without the sound cutting out. If you have an apartment built in the last 200 years this piece of plastic is a true waste of money.

My sister says she bought the ‘Safety first’ brand baby monitor.She also lives in an apartment block with the usual interferences of non Amish proportions i.e TV, phone, concrete (to think how far we have come) and her packaging read monitor has a rage of 300 feet…


So I thought I would warn you all.

Oh and just to mention what pushed me toward buying this particular brand, on the monitor itself there is a sticker that proudly announces it is ‘mom tested’ this is a review from Parenting magazine. Well la-di DA! I guess those moms have some morning cocktails rice paper houses.

P.S I wasn’t paid to say this. Although I wouldn’t mind.



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Baby Love

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

See attached Barf Bag

I was just about 8 months pregnant when my older sister turned to me with squinty eye,switching to her power-yoga-new-age-healy-meditation- voice and addressed me by name.

In hushed tone she said “Younger sister, you will fall in love (voice hovering, almost breaking on that word) like you never have before with your child.”

My sister is prone to grand statements, at-home-drinking and  attention seeking so I tried to bite my tongue and not to retort with commentary on her lack of dating. She also knew full well that using that tone gets a blank faced Gen-X (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_X) no where stare from me.And to truly take in her gift wrapped wisdom I had to summon my all.

First thoughts on the brain storm;Gross. That has to be the creepiest thing she could have said.
Turns  its could be true. I have analysed the data; from hair smelling, to gazing lovingly for hours and it seems that I do adore my spawn.
In normal people talk. My daughter is the center of my world next to the Universal Life Force people so aptly call God.
She is patient, always happy, Divine, smells nice, doesn’t cry unnecessarily, curious, funny,smart I could go on.
Perhaps I do love her ‘like I have never loved before’. I will put her before my partner I certainly hope if it ever comes to that. I will put her first in all cases unless I fall short which I am only human for.
Is it wrong to love so much?
I see, that love, my sister fore shadowed with her  shower practiced voice. And,I don’t know if it ever wears off. I think I would like to see her in this light forever.I know its about time to barf for all.
Will it change? I know it will for her.

baby high chair

baby high chair

I know the superwoman she sees before her will become human and flawed and then one day maybe understood, and perhaps forgiven.
However, I hesitate to think I could ever love a human being as intensely as I do my daughter.
She has given me more impetus for growth creativity, optimism , learning.

And yet, as a mother stereotypically in society  it is time to perhaps ‘let go’ give up and devote ones self solely to the purpose of martyrdom and cookie making. Or as Martha Steward, did, money laundering. God bless her crafty heart.
In some ways this is true, some old bad habits do die and one does pick up the proverbile knitting neddles.

Unless some unknowing generation find them again and think its all cool,mod or/&hip and rehash them despite people suffering with SEVERE forms of PTSD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder because of that decade being part of their youth.

In other ways I believe as mothers, (even if that includes soley a father) at times, we have come a far way in our undertanding of the relationship that we have with our tribe, what it means and how we understand ourselves in relation to that. Sometimes it seems all we are left with is to continue pushing out the borders that constrict and pulling in the ones that inflict.

Motherhood gives  more drive for life and realisation of how amazing it is, here’s to Emma Goldman. You old bag!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Goldman

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Notes on being a Demi God

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

Being a Parent is like waking up one day and being asked “Would you like to be God?”

My response was an obvious no brainer(HAR-HAR).

Being God, so to speak is no less shocking, challenging or flattering all at once of a position to be in just as soon as the question was raised or even answered for that matter.

And all the sickly sweet cliches about babies are true right down to their eyelashes being adorable, and them changing how you think and feel. And why shouldn’t nature hook you up to a giant hormone drip of love for the event that eventually mean your secession, graceful or not.

However some stereotypes I discovered are false. Babies don’t make you a brainless puddle of babbling idiocy. If they do you once were originally and it probably won’t make much difference.

Babies also don’t make you desperate, clingy or needy for random men or child support from random men.
Nor do children make you unattractive for that matter.

Yet, as my grandfather told my mother when she was younger “boys make you fat”. If you don’t get it, you will.
However raising a child does take all the effort people boast of and more, a community.

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