Girrl At Home

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Sometimes I want to home. Not to my family right now, but to that place I remember feeling complete. I realize now in my older age, it is a sensation not a place.

Its the place I used to be when I was six. Hanging a self made kite with a huge smiley face out my window. It was made from sticks and could never pick up wind but I would reel it down over my window ledge, gleefully and hopeful as a 6 year old child could be. Wish-filled and happy even to see it dangle past the neighbors window.

People in the yard outside my apartment used to look at me sweetly as a child that had no knowledge of physics but the optimism of a child.

I was content. In joy as life is.

Today I asked my best friend if she ever wished to go home. Before I could go on I was cut off by a confused yet determined “No”.

I realized the pursuit for knowledge and religion are some how tied to this sensation. When I re-entered university I felt slightly at home because I was about to discover a whole new world whether it liked me or not) And philosophy strummed at this vein of what I could call ’sentiment’.

Its a need that is motivated by more at heart.

I get the same content feeling when I stare out my window or get a the chance to take in the splendor of the stars without city lights. This is home. That sense of wonder.

Although the stars make me feel more alone and whole at the same time

Somewhat like the description I found of the Hebrew word shin

‘The secret of the shin is “the flame [Divine Revelation] bound to the coal [Divine Essence].” A simmering coal actually possesses an invisible flame within it, which emerges and ascends from the surface of the coal when the coal is blown upon. The three levels: coal, inner flame, and outer flame, correspond to the secret of chash-mal-mal, as will be explained in the next letter, the tav.

One of the meanings of the word shin in Hebrew is shinui, “change.” The coal symbolizes changeless essence, the secret of the verse: “I am God, I have not changed,” meaning that relative to God’s Essence absolutely no change has occurred from before Creation to after Creation. The inner flame is the paradoxical latent presence of the power of change within the changeless. The outer flame of the shin is continuously in a state of motion and change.’(http://www.inner.org/HEBLETER/SHIN.HTM)’

What I take from this basic explanation is that shin is somewhat the sensation of wholeness all the while knowing change is permanent.

I may not completely understand the symbolism of the shin word but I have taken from it what I see is true.

My next pressing question was do all these feelings lead to one thing?

All these pursuits of knowledge, needs for satisfaction are they under one box i.e work, friends, spirituality? Or is that part of the spice of life- variety that keeps me coming back yet with the same drive to answer a question un-said?Ever searching, wanting to expand my self (in metaphoric way) while at once feeling one, as if nothing has truly changed.

Sometimes I wish it were simple I wish I could go ‘home’ and I would have no need for such foolishness on my mind.