Girrl At Home

See attached Barf Bag

I was just about 8 months pregnant when my older sister turned to me with squinty eye,switching to her power-yoga-new-age-healy-meditation- voice and addressed me by name.

In hushed tone she said “Younger sister, you will fall in love (voice hovering, almost breaking on that word) like you never have before with your child.”

My sister is prone to grand statements, at-home-drinking and  attention seeking so I tried to bite my tongue and not to retort with commentary on her lack of dating. She also knew full well that using that tone gets a blank faced Gen-X (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_X) no where stare from me.And to truly take in her gift wrapped wisdom I had to summon my all.

First thoughts on the brain storm;Gross. That has to be the creepiest thing she could have said.
Turns  its could be true. I have analysed the data; from hair smelling, to gazing lovingly for hours and it seems that I do adore my spawn.
In normal people talk. My daughter is the center of my world next to the Universal Life Force people so aptly call God.
She is patient, always happy, Divine, smells nice, doesn’t cry unnecessarily, curious, funny,smart I could go on.
Perhaps I do love her ‘like I have never loved before’. I will put her before my partner I certainly hope if it ever comes to that. I will put her first in all cases unless I fall short which I am only human for.
Is it wrong to love so much?
I see, that love, my sister fore shadowed with her  shower practiced voice. And,I don’t know if it ever wears off. I think I would like to see her in this light forever.I know its about time to barf for all.
Will it change? I know it will for her.

baby high chair

I know the superwoman she sees before her will become human and flawed and then one day maybe understood, and perhaps forgiven.
However, I hesitate to think I could ever love a human being as intensely as I do my daughter.
She has given me more impetus for growth creativity, optimism , learning.

And yet, as a mother stereotypically in society  it is time to perhaps ‘let go’ give up and devote ones self solely to the purpose of martyrdom and cookie making. Or as Martha Steward, did, money laundering. God bless her crafty heart.
In some ways this is true, some old bad habits do die and one does pick up the proverbile knitting neddles.

Unless some unknowing generation find them again and think its all cool,mod or/&hip and rehash them despite people suffering with SEVERE forms of PTSD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder because of that decade being part of their youth.

In other ways I believe as mothers, (even if that includes soley a father) at times, we have come a far way in our undertanding of the relationship that we have with our tribe, what it means and how we understand ourselves in relation to that. Sometimes it seems all we are left with is to continue pushing out the borders that constrict and pulling in the ones that inflict.

Motherhood gives  more drive for life and realisation of how amazing it is, here’s to Emma Goldman. You old bag!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Goldman